Not much of a cuddler

 So, the title is basically it.

I'm not much of a cuddler at night. When I go to bed, it takes me a while to get to a comfy spot. I can't really lie in one position for very long - I'm quite restless. Plus I get hot quite quickly. So when with another person, I can't handle the spooning thing for very long. It almost starts to hurt, because my hips will ache, or my knees will - or my shoulder is in an awkward position and it starts to hurt. These things happen even now when I have the whole bed to myself, so I'm tossing and turning all night. In between the tossing and turning, I'm also throwing off the bed covers because I'm too hot, and then grabbing them back because I get cool again. 

I used to love sleeping, now I almost dread it.

That said, J left his pillow behind when he moved out, and for the last nearly 9 months, I've been cuddling it to sleep. I've been holding on to it pretty tightly. Feeling like that statue in the picture here. Empty.

The pillow helped a little. But I've decided this year I need to be happy again, so I had to stop. I can't keep cuddling his pillow at night - it's a bit pathetic really.

So I feel a bit ridiculous but I bought myself a teddy bear to sleep with. Well not really a teddy but a red panda (hey it was cute!). So I'm trying. It's not working yet, but it's only been a week so far. I WILL get there... one day.

A weekend of sort outs and rabbit holes

 This weekend has been an odd one. I've been steadfastly ignoring the fact that it's valentines day today (well it still is where I am - blogger seems to think it's Monday the 15th already). So instead I cleaned out my closet (at least some of it anyway). I spent almost an hour and a half just trying clothes on. I never realised I'd collected so many work outfits and working from home for almost a year means I really needed to cull a heap!

I still have more to go. My hanging space is jammed to the brim with more work outfits - some even from my previous job! It's been too long since I've had a good sort through. Many many years ago, I used to be a radio announcer (country stations only - never hit the 'big time') and one of the characteristics of that job is that you tend to move around a fair bit. Moving often usually means you tend not to collect too much stuff. I've been in this house for over 20 years now... there is just. so. much. stuff!

Eventually, I'm going to have to get my own place and move. I'm looking forward to it, but at the same time, I'm dreading it, to be honest. I want my own place but the whole idea is scary and the thought of moving all my stuff just makes my heart sink. Honestly sometimes I feel like I'm living in a constant state of being terrified of absolutely everything. Seriously, it's been almost 9 months since J left. When do I get to feel like a normal person again?

So anyway, to make myself feel a bit lighter, tonight I've fallen down the rabbit hole of classical music 'flash mobs'. My fave classical piece is Beethoven's 9th and that has led me down all sorts of classical paths. Not to mention giving me a large amount of musical talent envy. I've often wished I had the talent to learn the cello or was able to sing.

Memory is a funny thing

 Today I went to a crochet group afternoon. This is something my ex mother in law has been encouraging me to come to. I'm learning to crochet again (I used to know how and even made myself a gigantic blanket at one point, but then forgot how). My current project is a colour block scarf. It's going well and apparently my tension is good. I need to learn how to keep the same size though - I have a tendency to shrink the width. Oh well, more practice needed obviously.

Anyway, we all meet up once a month and bring something to snack on. Today one of the group brought in cape gooseberries to share. This triggered so many memories!

When I was little, my family lived in Queensland. My grandmother also lived nearby. She had a house that had a fairly large garden and used to grow these fruit, but called them chinese gooseberries. 

I can't have been too old, as we moved to New South Wales when I was around 6 or 7 and I don't recall being in school when remembering my grandmother's garden. I think my memories of this fruit might be some of the earliest I remember. That and a dog my mum and dad had - called Mincey. Only that wasn't her name... apparently her name was Mitzi and I only found out I had it wrong, when I was in my teens!

I remember so strongly that my grandmother called them chinese gooseberries and over the years I've tried to find them again. Googling revealed that the chinese gooseberry was actually rebranded as the kiwi, but I knew that wasn't what I was thinking of, so eventually forgot about them. Then when the fruit was brought in today, oh did the memories come flooding back.

Now I'm sitting here, thinking about what I remember from back then. It's really only flashes here and there. I remember my grandparents had a very very long driveway to get to the house. I remember the *cape gooseberry* bushes. I remember we once had a cyclone nearish and it knocked over the wooden telegraph pole. It came quite close to the house, as I recall. I do remember being so scared of the wind. 

Bits I remember of our house nearby was mainly that it was in a relatively newish area - I remember there were vacant areas around the house. I remember a shed down the back of the garden and I remember the dog Mincey (she's always going to be Mincey to me). I think Mincey was a black and white version of Lassie perhaps. My memory is a bit fuzzy there. Border collie perhaps? I don't remember going to school in Queensland specifically but I do remember my outrage when we moved to NSW. Because the school systems were different I was put back into 1st class in NSW and I was incredibly upset by this, because I'd already done 1st class in QLD!

I wish I remembered more about the time I lived in Queensland. It was so long ago now though.