There's nothing like true friends

 So my birthday was last weekend. And the best present was 3 very special people who made me feel loved.

They surprised me with a girl's weekend away at a lovely B&B. I knew something was planned with 2 of them (S and C). I was asked to arrive at one friend's place and was told I could leave my car there and we'd go in the other friend's car. I figured we'd probably be staying at her place for the weekend and hang out. Turned out we ended up at another friend's house (K) to pick her up. That was a big suprise as I thought she was working and wasn't available! That was great as K often works weekends so catching up with her can be tricky.

Then we headed off to the B&B. I had no clue where we were going though. We arrived at this gorgeous house in a small town nearby. The place was amazing! So much space and so lovely. We brought some food, but honestly the place was so well stocked, we probably didn't even need to! It had just about everything.

First night we hung out and snacked while playing boardgames. It was just so lovely to hang out and chat. Then the second day we visited a nearby lavender farm, a chocolate factory and then in the afternoon we did a bit of op-shopping and then pampering (sheet masks, hand and feet 'masks'). Then dinner that night was at place nearby that did a set tasting type menu. The food was so good. Perfect serving size too - I left pleasantly full. So well done too - I discovered I do actually like gnocchi after all. Normally I find it too bland and stodgy but this restaurant did it so perfectly!

Then it was back to the B&B for more games and talking.

Sunday was a leisurely breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast and then we went and saw Wonder Woman 84.

It was just a relaxing weekend full of love and laughter. I'm so lucky to have friends who care.

These are a couple of shots I was playing around with, at the lavender farm. Something about the sun shining through the trees really appealed to me.

Thoughts on birthdays

 So in the interests of getting my thoughts and feelings out, I've been thinking of the past with J.

He'd told me a long time back that he wasn't happy. We went to counselling and I thought things were better. I probably should have realised that they weren't really. Especially when it came to my 50th birthday. 

I'm realising recently that I haven't gotten past this still. It just keeps coming up to the front of my mind. So maybe I can get over the hurt by typing it out. 

Essentially, my 50th was coming up and I wanted to go away for the weekend - just the two of us. Nowhere too far away, my birthday isn't too long after Christmas and New Years, so it's not really financially sensible to have a big blowout holiday then. Chickie was also at an age where he would be ok by himself for a night or two (in-laws are only a few minutes away so they could feed him and check in on him if he wanted to try staying overnight by himself - or he could sleep over with them as well.), but a longer holiday would be a lot more organisation.

I thought a milestone birthday would be a nice reason to have a weekend away, reconnect with just us and celebrate my birthday. It happened to also fall on a weekend where a friend group held an activity that occurred on the Sunday, once every 3 or 4 months. Because of this J said he didn't want to miss the activity, so he didn't want to go away. I ended up going away alone, with my birthday on the Sunday I would come back home on.

It was nice. The hotel apartment was lovely. The beach, it was near, was gorgeous. The general area it was in, had some beautiful little townships with some stunning sunsets out over the sea. I explored the area and took some pretty photos. I got takeaway food and played around with my watercolour pencils. It was relaxing, but it was lonely. I came back and J took us all out to dinner. To a restaurant I do like, but it's one we get takeaway from quite regularly, so not exactly special.

Looking back on it, it was nice and relaxing, but it was disappointing. I was hurt that he didn't want to miss out on an activity that happened fairly regularly, to spend time with me on a big birthday. I see it more clearly now, but at the time I thought we were doing better. I thought we could spend some time together - with just us. I guess he was just 'checked out' the whole time really.

I mentioned some of this to a friend and now she and another friend are planning something for my upcoming birthday. I don't know what exactly. I've been told to be at her place Friday night and to pack for a couple of nights away, and include a dressier outfit in my packing. I'm excited!

Nobody blogs anymore right?

Pretty sure no one does this anymore, so this can just be an online journal to get my inner turmoil out instead!

So it's been years. Lots has happened, but the tldr is that I'm now 54, J left me, Chickie is 18 and has officially finished school and my two kittys have passed on.

2020, aside from the whole pandemic thing, has been a totally sucky year. J and I had been having issues for a while but I thought things were better. Then early 2020, I could see something was up and I was unhappy about it. Chickie's 18th birthday happened mid-year and J moved out the first weekend afterwards. That's when I went from unhappy to full on miserable. I had a feeling, deep down, that that's what would happen, but it's not something I ever wanted. 

I've been thoroughly miserable for months now, but I need to stop it. I need to get on with things and not just hide away and hope it all gets magically better. I have to do and face things myself. I have to be a happier person. Otherwise, I'll end up a sad old lonely, crazy cat lady, I'm sure...

This is why I figured I'd post again. This is going to be my way of getting those feelings out and perhaps even keeping myself accountable to be positive where I can.

Bring on 2021 and a happier Caramaena.