Thoughts on birthdays

 So in the interests of getting my thoughts and feelings out, I've been thinking of the past with J.

He'd told me a long time back that he wasn't happy. We went to counselling and I thought things were better. I probably should have realised that they weren't really. Especially when it came to my 50th birthday. 

I'm realising recently that I haven't gotten past this still. It just keeps coming up to the front of my mind. So maybe I can get over the hurt by typing it out. 

Essentially, my 50th was coming up and I wanted to go away for the weekend - just the two of us. Nowhere too far away, my birthday isn't too long after Christmas and New Years, so it's not really financially sensible to have a big blowout holiday then. Chickie was also at an age where he would be ok by himself for a night or two (in-laws are only a few minutes away so they could feed him and check in on him if he wanted to try staying overnight by himself - or he could sleep over with them as well.), but a longer holiday would be a lot more organisation.

I thought a milestone birthday would be a nice reason to have a weekend away, reconnect with just us and celebrate my birthday. It happened to also fall on a weekend where a friend group held an activity that occurred on the Sunday, once every 3 or 4 months. Because of this J said he didn't want to miss the activity, so he didn't want to go away. I ended up going away alone, with my birthday on the Sunday I would come back home on.

It was nice. The hotel apartment was lovely. The beach, it was near, was gorgeous. The general area it was in, had some beautiful little townships with some stunning sunsets out over the sea. I explored the area and took some pretty photos. I got takeaway food and played around with my watercolour pencils. It was relaxing, but it was lonely. I came back and J took us all out to dinner. To a restaurant I do like, but it's one we get takeaway from quite regularly, so not exactly special.

Looking back on it, it was nice and relaxing, but it was disappointing. I was hurt that he didn't want to miss out on an activity that happened fairly regularly, to spend time with me on a big birthday. I see it more clearly now, but at the time I thought we were doing better. I thought we could spend some time together - with just us. I guess he was just 'checked out' the whole time really.

I mentioned some of this to a friend and now she and another friend are planning something for my upcoming birthday. I don't know what exactly. I've been told to be at her place Friday night and to pack for a couple of nights away, and include a dressier outfit in my packing. I'm excited!