No posts lately. Not feeling happy.
Quite the opposite in fact. I cannot believe it's only a few months away from being a year that J left, and I'm still in a state of near (and actual) tears at random times.
I don't want him back. I know it would never work after this, but it feels like there's no joy in the world anymore. Chickie is my one shining light and I'm so glad he's here.
I'm just... struggling. Don't mind me.
Not much happening lately. Chickie's had a wisdom tooth out. He's managing ok without much pain, thank goodness. Hopefully it stays that way and he recovers quickly. He's not the most adventurous eater, so finding soft foods that he'll eat is a challenge.
The last few weeks, for me, has been what feels like a never-ending round of cleaning out stuff. There's just so much stuff!
I've cleaned out my wardrobe drawers, I've cleaned out my hanging space. I now have a huge bag of clothes to donate. Some of these things I've had for so long. I was looking at some old photos and found some with these clothes I'm getting rid of - some of them 15 years old! Uh yeah, probably about time to go.
I've cleaned out the cupboards under the bathroom sink, and I've cleaned out the cupboard under the kitchen sink. Again so. much. stuff! Oh and in the process, I spilled Brasso on myself (lid wasn't secured, I discovered). So... don't do that to yourself. It absolutely stinks. Plus it's near impossible to get the smell out of your clothes. I washed my clothes so many times and it just didn't help. Ended up having to toss that dress. At least it was on it's way out anyway (so old it was a bit thin in places).
I have no idea why we even had Brasso in the first place. I'm pretty certain we didn't have any brass to actually polish.
There were only two other people in the room when we saw it. I don't know how they're making money these days. I'll have to go again and see something else soon, I think. I did see that Raya and the Last Dragon is out now - that looks pretty good too.
The other thing that's been making me happy this week, is a song written by a YouTuber from the Netherlands, who goes by the name 'Music by Blanks'. He has a series where he writes songs with the help of his Instagram followers. It's kinda fun and he obviously has plenty of talent. This one was a roadtrip song and it's so catchy and makes you want to sing along with him. So have a listen!
I'm not much of a cuddler at night. When I go to bed, it takes me a while to get to a comfy spot. I can't really lie in one position for very long - I'm quite restless. Plus I get hot quite quickly. So when with another person, I can't handle the spooning thing for very long. It almost starts to hurt, because my hips will ache, or my knees will - or my shoulder is in an awkward position and it starts to hurt. These things happen even now when I have the whole bed to myself, so I'm tossing and turning all night. In between the tossing and turning, I'm also throwing off the bed covers because I'm too hot, and then grabbing them back because I get cool again.
I used to love sleeping, now I almost dread it.
The pillow helped a little. But I've decided this year I need to be happy again, so I had to stop. I can't keep cuddling his pillow at night - it's a bit pathetic really.
So I feel a bit ridiculous but I bought myself a teddy bear to sleep with. Well not really a teddy but a red panda (hey it was cute!). So I'm trying. It's not working yet, but it's only been a week so far. I WILL get there... one day.
This weekend has been an odd one. I've been steadfastly ignoring the fact that it's valentines day today (well it still is where I am - blogger seems to think it's Monday the 15th already). So instead I cleaned out my closet (at least some of it anyway). I spent almost an hour and a half just trying clothes on. I never realised I'd collected so many work outfits and working from home for almost a year means I really needed to cull a heap!
Today I went to a crochet group afternoon. This is something my ex mother in law has been encouraging me to come to. I'm learning to crochet again (I used to know how and even made myself a gigantic blanket at one point, but then forgot how). My current project is a colour block scarf. It's going well and apparently my tension is good. I need to learn how to keep the same size though - I have a tendency to shrink the width. Oh well, more practice needed obviously.
Anyway, we all meet up once a month and bring something to snack on. Today one of the group brought in cape gooseberries to share. This triggered so many memories!
When I was little, my family lived in Queensland. My grandmother also lived nearby. She had a house that had a fairly large garden and used to grow these fruit, but called them chinese gooseberries.
I can't have been too old, as we moved to New South Wales when I was around 6 or 7 and I don't recall being in school when remembering my grandmother's garden. I think my memories of this fruit might be some of the earliest I remember. That and a dog my mum and dad had - called Mincey. Only that wasn't her name... apparently her name was Mitzi and I only found out I had it wrong, when I was in my teens!
I remember so strongly that my grandmother called them chinese gooseberries and over the years I've tried to find them again. Googling revealed that the chinese gooseberry was actually rebranded as the kiwi, but I knew that wasn't what I was thinking of, so eventually forgot about them. Then when the fruit was brought in today, oh did the memories come flooding back.
Now I'm sitting here, thinking about what I remember from back then. It's really only flashes here and there. I remember my grandparents had a very very long driveway to get to the house. I remember the *cape gooseberry* bushes. I remember we once had a cyclone nearish and it knocked over the wooden telegraph pole. It came quite close to the house, as I recall. I do remember being so scared of the wind.
Bits I remember of our house nearby was mainly that it was in a relatively newish area - I remember there were vacant areas around the house. I remember a shed down the back of the garden and I remember the dog Mincey (she's always going to be Mincey to me). I think Mincey was a black and white version of Lassie perhaps. My memory is a bit fuzzy there. Border collie perhaps? I don't remember going to school in Queensland specifically but I do remember my outrage when we moved to NSW. Because the school systems were different I was put back into 1st class in NSW and I was incredibly upset by this, because I'd already done 1st class in QLD!
I wish I remembered more about the time I lived in Queensland. It was so long ago now though.
So my birthday was last weekend. And the best present was 3 very special people who made me feel loved.
They surprised me with a girl's weekend away at a lovely B&B. I knew something was planned with 2 of them (S and C). I was asked to arrive at one friend's place and was told I could leave my car there and we'd go in the other friend's car. I figured we'd probably be staying at her place for the weekend and hang out. Turned out we ended up at another friend's house (K) to pick her up. That was a big suprise as I thought she was working and wasn't available! That was great as K often works weekends so catching up with her can be tricky.
Then we headed off to the B&B. I had no clue where we were going though. We arrived at this gorgeous house in a small town nearby. The place was amazing! So much space and so lovely. We brought some food, but honestly the place was so well stocked, we probably didn't even need to! It had just about everything.
First night we hung out and snacked while playing boardgames. It was just so lovely to hang out and chat. Then the second day we visited a nearby lavender farm, a chocolate factory and then in the afternoon we did a bit of op-shopping and then pampering (sheet masks, hand and feet 'masks'). Then dinner that night was at place nearby that did a set tasting type menu. The food was so good. Perfect serving size too - I left pleasantly full. So well done too - I discovered I do actually like gnocchi after all. Normally I find it too bland and stodgy but this restaurant did it so perfectly!
Then it was back to the B&B for more games and talking.
Sunday was a leisurely breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast and then we went and saw Wonder Woman 84.
It was just a relaxing weekend full of love and laughter. I'm so lucky to have friends who care.
These are a couple of shots I was playing around with, at the lavender farm. Something about the sun shining through the trees really appealed to me.
So in the interests of getting my thoughts and feelings out, I've been thinking of the past with J.
He'd told me a long time back that he wasn't happy. We went to counselling and I thought things were better. I probably should have realised that they weren't really. Especially when it came to my 50th birthday.
I'm realising recently that I haven't gotten past this still. It just keeps coming up to the front of my mind. So maybe I can get over the hurt by typing it out.
Essentially, my 50th was coming up and I wanted to go away for the weekend - just the two of us. Nowhere too far away, my birthday isn't too long after Christmas and New Years, so it's not really financially sensible to have a big blowout holiday then. Chickie was also at an age where he would be ok by himself for a night or two (in-laws are only a few minutes away so they could feed him and check in on him if he wanted to try staying overnight by himself - or he could sleep over with them as well.), but a longer holiday would be a lot more organisation.
I thought a milestone birthday would be a nice reason to have a weekend away, reconnect with just us and celebrate my birthday. It happened to also fall on a weekend where a friend group held an activity that occurred on the Sunday, once every 3 or 4 months. Because of this J said he didn't want to miss the activity, so he didn't want to go away. I ended up going away alone, with my birthday on the Sunday I would come back home on.
It was nice. The hotel apartment was lovely. The beach, it was near, was gorgeous. The general area it was in, had some beautiful little townships with some stunning sunsets out over the sea. I explored the area and took some pretty photos. I got takeaway food and played around with my watercolour pencils. It was relaxing, but it was lonely. I came back and J took us all out to dinner. To a restaurant I do like, but it's one we get takeaway from quite regularly, so not exactly special.
Looking back on it, it was nice and relaxing, but it was disappointing. I was hurt that he didn't want to miss out on an activity that happened fairly regularly, to spend time with me on a big birthday. I see it more clearly now, but at the time I thought we were doing better. I thought we could spend some time together - with just us. I guess he was just 'checked out' the whole time really.
I mentioned some of this to a friend and now she and another friend are planning something for my upcoming birthday. I don't know what exactly. I've been told to be at her place Friday night and to pack for a couple of nights away, and include a dressier outfit in my packing. I'm excited!
Pretty sure no one does this anymore, so this can just be an online journal to get my inner turmoil out instead!
So it's been years. Lots has happened, but the tldr is that I'm now 54, J left me, Chickie is 18 and has officially finished school and my two kittys have passed on.
2020, aside from the whole pandemic thing, has been a totally sucky year. J and I had been having issues for a while but I thought things were better. Then early 2020, I could see something was up and I was unhappy about it. Chickie's 18th birthday happened mid-year and J moved out the first weekend afterwards. That's when I went from unhappy to full on miserable. I had a feeling, deep down, that that's what would happen, but it's not something I ever wanted.
I've been thoroughly miserable for months now, but I need to stop it. I need to get on with things and not just hide away and hope it all gets magically better. I have to do and face things myself. I have to be a happier person. Otherwise, I'll end up a sad old lonely, crazy cat lady, I'm sure...
This is why I figured I'd post again. This is going to be my way of getting those feelings out and perhaps even keeping myself accountable to be positive where I can.
Bring on 2021 and a happier Caramaena.
