12 July, 2007

How did I keep from giggling?

My float - when it comes to business speak, I feel your pain!

Today we had a presentation from some of our directors and project managers to keep us up to date on what's happening with the company (I work in a call centre for a telecommunications company). I seriously had to bite my tongue when I heard phrases such as 'drilling down', 'deep-diving' and 'disseminating the granularity'. Though I can't recall if disseminating was the word they actually used (it started with d, I know that much). By that stage I was too busy concentrating on keeping a straight face...

Has anyone got a clue what granularity has to do with working in customer service???

20 comments:

Dogbait said...

Haven't you ever played Wank Words Bingo?

Jon said...

Of course you have to disseminate the granularity! Otherwise, you'll end up embiggining the paradigm. That's Business 101.

kirsty said...

Why does that all sound as if they are project managing porn production???? *rolls eyes* Men!

Gnat of Glass said...

I had a boss when I worked in New York that used buzz words all the time.

Then after taking over a larger company my other boss had to give a speach to over 3k people worldwide. Everyone pretty much thumb there nose at the head guy because of the serious use of buzz words. My my other boss chickened out of the speach, he said "Gnat you do it!" and ran from the room.

Me 3k people, sat up links, I am home.

I literal rooled up to the stage and let loose on the largest collection of buzz words anyone has ever heard. Using the head cheese's hand movements, speach patterns, and walked the stage just like he did.

Availible bandwidth
Move the Needle
think outside the box
Know your knowledge
Battle Back
Synergy
TEWC(pronoused Tweek) Tight end working capital
Laser beam focused
EBIDA
Flashback
Blowback
Megatron (general word for the other guy)
Double your disk drive
Client Based
Dot-Bomb
Think Tank
Cross-media
etc...etc..etc..I just started linking them in a huge ass long sentence about how the technology wing of our company was going to "Have serious scalable traction 24/7 and shift our paradigm with integrated network architecture and wizzy-wig distributed interaction".

I got a standing Ovation.

Oh great One said...

They were probably amazed that no one DID laugh!

she said: said...

Sounds like when everyone here started using the word "organic" for things that were clearly not organic. But it became this buzzword that everyone still uses it - and it means nothing.

Steve said...

I can't help thinking that disseminate the granularity means spread the sh*t.

My boss was complaining about TLAs today as our company uses them a lot. A TLA is a three letter anagram.

Stomper Girl said...

I wish you had laughed. Someone ought to tell these people

Simon said...

It all sound suspiciously like bovine faeces to me.

Perhaps, if they drilled down far enough into their cerebral cortices, they might find the ability to speak normal English. ALthough somehow I doubt it.

My float said...

Oh, I feel for you! Isn't it just plain stupid? And to think these people get paid LOADS of money to come up with these terms...

KindaBlue said...

I see what you mean...

Nobody said "synergy" at any point, did they?

The Phosgene Kid said...

Its a gritty business, but someone has to do it.

The Phosgene Kid said...

Maybe granularity refers to the texture of the Moose shit they are shoveling. Just a guess on my part, really.

meggie said...

I think disseminating the granularity is just throwing sh*t too! In huge blobs. At the customers, of course!

tracey petersen said...

Are you sure that you are not working for a cult? It sounds like indoctrination to me!

caramaena said...

lol guys! I'm remembering more of the words/phrases as well. Yes, synergy was mentioned at least once, as was disambiguate (as in remove any ambiguity). One that I'm not sure if it was intended to be funny or not was when one guy talked about TLA's or (as he called them) 'three letter anachronisms'...

Steve said...

We had an e-mail from the managers the other day that mentioned AS WIP

Now I'm pretty sure it stands for advanced services, work in progress, or something like that. That wasn't my first thought when I read it though.

Sussanah said...

I hate those stupid weasel words that managers use to sound clever.
It's not a real fucking word you fucking moron!

h&b said...

Crunchy Nut Granola ?

Makes me glad I got out and becamea mother. At least my son makes sense !!

caramaena said...

lol steve and sussanah :)

I think Chickie makes more sense too, h&b!